


With Quiet Dignity

by CellarDoors



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Drabble, HIV/AIDS, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-10
Updated: 2018-03-10
Packaged: 2019-03-29 06:34:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13921422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CellarDoors/pseuds/CellarDoors
Summary: He visits the grave once a week. {AU}





	With Quiet Dignity

Author’s N: I was listening to the Kelly Clarkson version of “It’s Quiet Uptown” and for some reason this little piece came into my head... comments and thoughts are always appreciated.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. The characters Justin Taylor and Brian Kinney belong to their respective owners, the writers of the series.

****  
He tries to visit the grave once a week. Any more and people would start wondering, whispering, murmuring. Hoping that he’ll get over it, that one day he’ll eventually move on - like this is no big deal and that somehow it can all be fixed in the blink of an eye. Regrets. He has plenty, but perhaps this is one of the biggest. 

It’s ironic, because it’s the only thing he’d never really let go on. The only thing his partner had held steadfast about for the six years they’d been together. Even when he’d agreed to think about it, he’d made him promise that they would both do their research, know exactly what they were getting into, the possibilities, the risks. Talk to the right people, hear the right stories. His partner hadn’t wanted any rose-coloured glasses about the experience… and in retrospect, he wishes that he’d listened.

If he closes his eyes and tries, he can still recall that look in the other man’s eyes the night they’d finally decided to try. Of course, it hurt in the deep, gnawing kind of way - like a dog howling at the moon - but he doesn’t think he’ll ever completely forget the way it felt to push inside; to be connected without barriers. 

It shouldn’t have mattered. It was just a tiny piece of plastic - but it had. 

Retrospect is a bitch, and in this moment, he wishes someone had pulled his head out of his ass and forced him to listen, to reconsider. Ben, give him his due, had tried. Even the people at the Vic Grassi centre had tried… but he hadn’t listened. Or rather, he had, but assumed that if the worst happened, then he could deal with it. Because of course out of the two of them, he'd assumed it’d be him that something happened to. How stupid he’d been.

Brian’s grave isn’t large or fancy. Just simple granite stone with a few words etched into it, something Justin is still surprised his partner wanted. He remembers the awkward conversation, asking whether Brian wanted to be cremated or not, Brian’s ‘fuck no, let me rest for a change,’. Remembers falling apart in the man’s lap, apologies failing to fall from his lips for how entirely stupid he’d been. 

Brian Kinney had been strong right until the very end… well, almost. The day his hair had started to fall out, he’d broken down in front of Justin, and all the blond could do was to wrap the other man in his arms, and try not to fall apart himself.

Now, he sinks to his knees and touches the stone, remembers the way Brian’s breathing sounded like it was being forced over jagged rock in his last days. He wants to be grateful that the man is out of pain - must be out of pain - now that he’s gone… but all Justin feels is his own pain, his own emptiness.

“Rest in peace, Bri,” he whispers. “I’ll see you soon.”


End file.
